Yeah...I'm at it again.  Why?  I'm an idiot, that's why.  Why else?  I like it, that's why.  Whatever, it's almost gone anyway.  Then I'll be back to the usual.  Up, down, up, down.  The pupils dialate.  The pulse speeds up to unnatural bpm's.  Then as soon as it starts...it's gone again.  Irony at it's finest.  I hope the pharmacy calls tonight.  My anxiety level has been getting out of control again, manifesting itself in me just being a huge asshole.

There's major family tension right now between my brother, mom, and I.  Adding to the problem?...the upcoming holidays.  I'm so pissed off at my brother and do NOT want to see him and patch shit up yet.  I think I'm entitled to be angry for a while.  Just because he's "moving on" after fucking up his family so badly doesn't mean that I'm ready to do the same.  I am not ready to share a holiday, my family, my wife, my boys with her.  She doesn't deserve to see the inside of my family, she doesn't deserve to be in the pictures we'll take - the memories we'll have.  She's not worthy.

(I have to get rid of this shit.)

Time to kill it all away.  Time to reflect on my life.  Time to remember those I've lost through the years.  Time to be sad.  It's time for so, so much that there's never going to be enough time.